Play fair the art of relationship and friendship

Kimberly A. Taylor (Author of Play Fair! the Art of Relationship and Friendship)

play fair the art of relationship and friendship

So, we act like we're too busy for friends, like we're too old for play dates, like we don't . But, unfortunately, the art of building friendships often gets lost in childhood. Just like in a romantic relationship, if you go too fast in a friendship, you might . You want foul weather and fair weather friends—those who are with you. of laboratory - the first and only laboratory of human relationships for adults that .. of Dramatic Arts, and toured the country, playing the role of Dr. Hartley in Polly of .. painting The Horse Fair hung above the bed, and a dismal gas jet flickered . Peer relationship: a friendship with someone else your age, a friend, or a classmate. • Strategy: a method is treated fairly. (7) Being loyal Eventually you will get much better at playing soccer and at scoring goals! • We are to use colored pencils to work on her art project but she forgot hers at home. Tommy , whom is.

For example, just recently I was talking to a new potential friend about my favorite and the only, in my opinion genuine Mexican restaurant in Portland. I was planning to go on Friday. I made friends with my friend Stephanie because we both had been dying to try something new: We both were bemoaning how awful the gym was when she said she had heard about a cool Bollywood Dance class.

Then it was easy for me to ask if she wanted a partner in crime to try it out. We also have tried a cardio drumming class and a cook-around-the-world night. Want to try something new? Bring it up and see if they are interested in joining. This is both a fun tease and a woo. Friends lend us ideas, books, clothes, suitcases and time. This is another great way to feel out a new friendship.

play fair the art of relationship and friendship

Have a book you love? Offer to loan it to them.

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My friend Samantha was wearing the most beautiful shawl—it looked so warm and fuzzy! If you know something that might help someone else, offer to teach them.

Are you a whiz with resumes? Offer to edit it for your new friend. Are you a great cook? Have a cooking day with a new friend if they are trying to learn their way around a kitchen. I started a Spanish vegetarian cooking club exactly this way. Seven of us got together because we all were trying to practice our high school Spanish and learn to cook more vegetarian.

play fair the art of relationship and friendship

We all go through hard times. It might be you, it might be your new friend.

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You want foul weather and fair weather friends—those who are with you through the good times and the bad. This is a great way to know the depth of your potential friendship. I never will forget a time with my friend Lacy in the beginning of our friendship. Speaking of weddings, I was having a momentary freak out about my wedding dress. I was sure I had picked the wrong one. I hear this is normal.

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Anyway, I called her in the middle of the day and asked her if she would be willing to come with me while I tried on my wedding dress one last time. She took the workday afternoon off, schlepped across town with me and sat with me, being so incredibly supportive as I made her examine it from every which angle. Yes, it was the right one. Yes, she is my best friend today.

play fair the art of relationship and friendship

Dating Now comes the serious part. You have someone you like and slowly have been courting them. Most importantly, you want to know if you are good for each other. Over the next few weeks, go through more of the wooing steps and ask yourself these three essential questions: Could you be locked in an elevator with this person? Are they genuinely happy for you when something good happens to you?

Toxic relationships happen when we secretly have ill wishes for someone or they have them for us.

With friends like these ...

They get jealous, they get judgy, they get controlling. You can be different, but you have to love each other for your differences. This is the most amazing, fulfilling, mushy-gushy part of friendships. I think this is the part of the friendship where investment really pays off. What do I mean by investment? Emotional investment, time investment, energy investment.

Even the best romantic relationships require tune-ups and energy. I think it is beautiful. Yes, I am getting mushy-gushy. When your friend cares about something, you care about it by proxy. Do they have a big work project? One of the best feelings in the world is having a friend check in on something that is important to you and not them—because you know they are doing it purely to be supportive. All she had to do was to endure a period of uncertainty until she could construct ideas that better reflected her situation.

Friendship can be rewarding but, like all relationships, it can also be risky. Other people can let us down, insult or humiliate us, leading us to feel diminished and in danger. Yet we need other people to tell us when we have got our guesses right, and, when we get things wrong, to help us make more accurate assessments.

Live completely on your own and your guesses will get further and further away from reality. The degree of risk we perceive from our friends relates directly to the degree of self-confidence we feel. When confident of ourselves, we feel that we can deal with being invalidated; when lacking self-confidence, we often see danger where no danger need exist.

Take jealousy, for example. Feeling self-confident, we can rejoice in our friend's success at a new job; feeling inferior, we see danger and try to defend ourselves with: We can fail to see that our friendship should be more important to us than our injured pride.

play fair the art of relationship and friendship

Our levels of confidence also relate to how ready we are to accept change, and how able we are to allow our friends to change. To feel secure in ourselves, we need to be able to predict events reasonably accurately. We think we know our friends well, and so can predict what they will do. We create a mental image of our friends, and we want to keep them within the bounds of that image.

Our need to do this can override our ability to see our friends in the way they see themselves. We do not want them to change because then we would have to change our image of them. Change creates uncertainty, and uncertainty can be frightening.

Falling out However, an inability to allow change can lead to the end of a friendship. Falling out with a friend shows us that our image of them, from which we derive our predictions about that friend, is wrong; and if that is the case, our sense of being a person is threatened.

If we lose a friend, we have to change how we see ourselves and our life. Each of us lives in our own individual world of meaning. We need to find friends whose individual world is somewhat similar to our own so that we are able to communicate with one another. The people who can validate us best are those we can see as equals, and with whom there can be mutual affection, trust, loyalty and acceptance.

Such people give us the kind of validation that builds a lasting self-confidence despite the difficulties we encounter. These are our true friends. When we seek to understand another person, we can do this only through discussion where we do not judge the other person, but ask for clearer descriptions of how he sees himself and his world.

Psychologists are experts only in so far as they use their theory as a framework for asking such questions. All the research aimed at finding which, among all the therapies, is the most effective shows that what matters most is not the particular theory that the therapist uses but the nature of the relationship between the client and the therapist.

A good therapeutic relationship is a kind of friendship where there are boundaries that do not exist in ordinary friendships but, like friendships, trust, loyalty, acceptance and affection are important.

This is why a friend can be our best therapist. We need to use two key questions. For example, if your friend says: From such an answer, we can understand why this person always strives to be especially good.

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If your friend says: